Bad News...

We had the amnio this morning... while painful it wasn't as bad as I was expecting... the wait for the lab test was horrible...

And we just got the phone call... Madeline's lung fluid is showing that she's still fighting some sickness so we've canceled the induction. They want to retest her in 7 days...

Frankly, I'm mentally a mess right now. I feel like such a failure as a mother - as if I've failed in my most basic duty of providing a healthy environment in utero. I realize part of that is hormones talking... but when they told me she tested as a "sick baby" though close to the healthy line - just not quite there - I immediately started to cry... so now I'm on bed rest until my uterus stops cramping as that could send me into labor if I don't take it easy. *sigh* My poor baby is sick... and there's nothing I can do but lay still... not exactly the most proactive feeling.

And to make things even better... she's measuring at 7 lbs 10 oz. My doctor was nice enough not to make me schedule a C section - but I do have to have my second amnio next Friday... and now we'll be waiting for her to arrive on her own. Which translates to emergancy c section. Lovely. As my friends around me are having their HEALTHY baby's EARLY left and right - I admit... I am really really struggling right now. I prayed so hard that I wouldn't have to go past 40 weeks again - but here we are at 39 weeks and they want her to stay put for awhile yet... *sigh* What a sucky day. :(

And I *know* she'll be okay... I know this is where she's supposed to be... I know this is all for the best... I know. I really do. As selfish as it sounds - it doesn't matter that I know all that... I still hate it. I hate hearing she's sick. I hate hearing I'll be pregnant and not able to hold her or take care of her for at least another 10 days... I just hate this whole process. I was really really trying not to count on her being ready on Monday - but my heart was counting on that more than I could have ever imagined...

I'm not answering my phone right now. I had a friend (who just had her baby last week... at 39 weeks... healthy.) just call me and say "I know how much you want this to end... I really do." I'm so glad I didn't answer. Because No... no I'm afraid that's crap. Having a healthy baby a week early is what I dream of. What I've got is a sick baby whom I can't take care of and a recommendation that I stay pregnant for another 10 days if not longer. No... just... no.