PrePartum?

*sigh* Alright y'all, brief moment of reality for Jess here... I try to keep a pretty upbeat attitude towards life, with the occassional bad day that I just brush off...

But the last few weeks have me wondering... is there such thing as prepartum depression? I swear, life just sucks right now. I mean... really really sucks. Let me preface this by saying sorry to all of you who keep emailing, texting, calling hoping for happy go lucky Jess. I just haven't been in the mood to talk lately. I know alot of this is probably hormones, but I am seriously feeling depressed right now. :(

Everything in my life seems to be going wrong, everytime I think we get a break, something else happens to make me want to pull my hair out. Lizzy aside (for she's a handful but always a joy to be around) I just hate my life. UGH. I mean, BOTH Jay and I's vehicles are broke down right now... and when Jay's breaks down - we have no income. And when we have no income, bills start piling up and I start freaking out. But if only that was the only problem... see, FIXING Jay's truck has turned into quite the ordeal. We took it to a mechanic, who "fixed" it for $300 - not terrible considering it's a 3500 truck... however, the next day while driving to a job, he broke down on the highway and never got it started again... we tow the truck back to the shop - shop starts the truck up and can't figure out what's wrong with it, we go to pick it up - breaks down 3 times on the way home - just shuts off completely. Doesn't overheat, doesn't run out of gas... just shuts off - and takes a minimum of 20 minutes between each time it restarts... (not to mention this entire time my car is out of commission b/c we can't afford to pick it up from the shop until we get paid again)

Fast forward to today - truck has worked... *ok* for 2 days now - shuts off occassionally but hasn't prevented Jay from working, he just takes a long time to get where he's going... I had a doctors appointment at 10 am... nurse calls at 9:30 asking if I could drive 45 minutes to their other location because my doctor wants to get in on a surgery over there this morning...Um... well, I have to pick DD up from preschool at 11:30, right next to the office close to me... there's no way I could drive 45 minutes, have an apt. (and blood work) and drive 45 minutes back in time to pick her up... not to mention, what the heck does that mean? "Wanting to get in on a surgery"??? So they called me back, informed me that she would indeed be "getting in on the surgery" and would be a little late for our apt....She hadn't even gone into surgery at 9:30 am... and it's a 45 min drive to this office... and she's only going to be a *little* late? *sigh* Jay took the morning off to take me since I always get shakey after blood work - we scheduled it so Liz was in school, (4 weeks ago) The doctor's not doing an emergancy surgery... apparently, just something "fun" she wanted to get in on, instead of making her appointments on time. Nice. (Yes, I realize this isn't entirely rational and I should try to be flexible and whatnot - but I'm rather annoyed anyways.)

Oh, but they still wanted me there at 10 so I could fill out some paperwork. Whatever. We show up at 10, fill out the paperwork. Pee in a cup, get put in a room... and sit... and sit... and sit... and an hour and a half later - still no doctor. She no showed us. And of course, they just couldn't possibly send in a PA or another doctor to help cover her patients - no they'd rather just leave us in a room with no word of anything. Well, we had to leave to pick up Liz so we ended up leaving... no appointment.

This wouldn't suck quite so bad if we had just been screwed by a doctor - but oh no, we get out to Jay's truck and guess what? It won't start. Yippfrickinee. Soooo I'm about a mile and 1/2 from Lizzy's preschool - I start walking while he works on the truck (aka pushes it home) Good thing we didn't go to the other office right? We'd have REALLY been screwed. I got ahold of mom and she was able to pick me up about a 1/2 mile from the school so I was only 10 minutes late picking her up.

DOES IT EVER END??!?!?!?!?!?!??! Of course not. We get home, go over our finances... and basically we're screwed right now. Just one sucky thing after another - one expense after another... and to top it all off, they couldn't reschedule my doctors appointment for another 4 weeks. Which means I'm now 8 weeks between visits, past the point of a 21 week diagnostic ultrasound... which screws us even more.

Joy.

So I pretty much had a major meltdown this afternoon... we put Lizzy down for a nap and I swear I cried for almost 2 hours straight... I haven't eaten anything (I know I know I will before I go to bed) since 9 this morning and I just feel sick about life. I mean, there's bad luck, and then there's GOD HATES ME days. This was one of them. Jay took his truck back to the mechanic this evening around 6, they're going to work on it together tonight to see if they can't figure out what's wrong - the guy said he wouldn't charge us anything else for labor if Jay would help him, so Jay's going to stay as late as he can until he get's it figured out.

So here I am. Frustrated out of my mind. Ready to say screw it, who needs prenatal care. I'll deliver the dang kid at home, how bad can it hurt right?

We figured out that even if I did go get a job... by the time we pay the penalties for pulling Liz out of her school and then paying for daycare... I'd basically be making nothing. I really really really hate life right now...

I'll get over it.

No need to respond if you've read this far...

I just needed to vent... badly.

*siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh* :(